Sometimes we love our man, but he just drives us crazy! This may be because he is emotionally immature. Perhaps he makes plans, but doesn’t follow through, like promising he’ll take you out, but then says he’s too tired. Or, when you try to bring up something that’s been worrying you, does he turn it into a conversation about himself? When it’s your birthday, does he give you a lame excuse about having no money, when you know he just bought himself a new toy? Or, maybe he says he’ll meet you at a certain time, but he’s usually late? Does he expect you to clean up after him, as if you are his mother?
All of these are behaviors of someone who is emotionally immature and self-centered.
To take the free Maturity Quiz about your man, just click here: http://www.gorillalove.com/the-maturity-quiz/.
What can you learn about him when you take the Maturity Quiz? If his score is below 50 (out of the possible 100), then you know he is behaving in immature ways. Maybe he’s tried to convince you it’s your fault, by saying things such as, “If you’d quit nagging me, I’d pick up my stuff.” What!?! Or, when he mishandles his money and then can’t buy you a nice present or pay for his half of the dinner, does he say, “Why are you always getting on my case about money, it’s all you think about!” This type of response is just his avoidance of accountability, by trying to focus negativity on you. Don’t fall for it by trying to defend yourself! Instead, you can say, “We are talking about you and how you handle your money, it’s not about me.”
But the real question is…are you willing to put up with his childish and self-centered behavior…if he never changes? When you continue to allow emotionally immature behavior (even if you are verbally complaining about it), then you are sending a message that it’s acceptable. You are actually enabling those behaviors to continue! So again, ask yourself, can I allow this behavior, and if your answer is “yes”, then quit complaining about it, even silently.
If, on the other hand, there is a behavior that you just can’t put up with, then tell him…and mean it! And be sure to tell him what the consequences will be if this keeps happening, with no sign of his real efforts to change. For example, if he keeps being late, you might want to tell him that whenever he is 10 minutes late, you will leave without him. And then you have to stick to it! Don’t wait another couple of minutes. If you don’t maintain the boundary you have set, then he won’t respect it.
So whenever you are frustrated with someone’s behavior, always ask yourself if you are willing to continue allowing it. Setting boundaries and maintaining them is your responsibility. It’s a form of self-care and self-respect. Healthy boundaries create healthy relationships.
Just so you know, if you brought up some of these issues with a man who is emotionally mature, he might say, “Okay, hon, I can see that’s a problem, so I’ll work on it.” And then you would see him actually make some real efforts to change.
I believe that a high percentage of problems in relationships are actually due to poor boundary setting and maintenance. So I created a webinar about setting and maintaining boundaries, which my clients have found to be very helpful. If you’d like to see it, or if you would like Relationship Coaching, just send an email to [email protected]
I love to hear from you, so please share your thoughts and comments below!